


Ups And Downs

by pikablob



Series: Until You're Not Afraid Anymore [2]
Category: Infinity Train (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Families of Choice, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Hazel has separation anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Reconciliation, Sequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:22:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27919690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikablob/pseuds/pikablob
Summary: Returning to the Apex with Hazel, Grace is faced with the daunting task of telling them the truth of the train, and deciding what the Apex should be going forwards. Lucy helps her reach a decision.[Direct sequel to my fic,Afraid]
Relationships: Hazel & Grace Monroe (Infinity Train), Hazel & Lucy (Infinity Train), Lucy & Grace Monroe (Infinity Train)
Series: Until You're Not Afraid Anymore [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2044432
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	Ups And Downs

**Author's Note:**

> Recommended Songs: [Let The Water Wash Away Your Sins (Grace's Theme)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDQyeWIGAJc), [Oh The Bliss (Hazel's Theme)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVXqHX9rHxA)

There was a rush of air as she fell and then everything stopped, her magnetic boots hitting the train’s deck with a clunk. Grace took a deep breath, looking at the door before her; this was it, she and Hazel were home. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been afraid of entering a car, let alone one she knew, but she couldn’t deny the cold, uncomfortable feeling in her gut as she stared at the entrance.

Hazel was still strapped to her front, now fast asleep. Grace glanced down past her, at the number tracker in her hands; the large number the girl had spotted was still here, just beyond the door. That was a good sign, Grace told herself. After everything, she was finally back where she started. The Apex were just beyond that door.

And she would have to explain the truth to them. All her certainty had evaporated after Hazel had fallen asleep, and as she stepped up to the door Grace found herself acting out a dozen imaginary conversations in her head. How was she supposed to tell the kids that the Apex was built on a lie? That nulls were people too, that numbers were meant to go down, and that Simon wasn’t coming back? That he couldn’t be allowed to?

When had her heart started racing?

Grace took a deep breath, then another, forcing herself to be calm. The Apex kids trusted her, she told herself; everything was going to be fine. Gingerly she reached up, grabbing the gold emblem on the door and flipping it around. With a clunk the red doors slid open, air and dust hissing between them, to reveal the Mall Car beyond.

A dozen pairs of eyes were on her in a moment. The kids were scattered all over the mall, in the middle of various activities, but they had all stopped to see who had arrived. For a moment nobody said anything, relief clear in their gazes, before Lucy broke the silence.

“Grace! You’re back!” She started hurrying over.

“Shhh,” Grace couldn’t help saying, feeling Hazel stir in her arms as the kids formed a clump around her. She gestured down to the girl, and Lucy nodded in understanding.

“Where have you been?” she whispered, questions spilling out. “Who’s that? Where’s Simon?” Murmurs ran through the other kids. For a moment, Grace didn’t know what to say. It was all too much to put into words.

“It’s complicated,” she said quietly instead, stepping away from the door. It slid shut quietly, locking with another mechanical clunk. The kids awkwardly parted to let her through, all clearly worried by her demeanor.

She kept walking, over to the escalators, and eased herself down into a sitting position on the bottom step. She lowered Hazel gently onto her lap, wrapping both arms around the sleeping girl. The kids followed, forming a circle around them on the concourse. In their eyes she could see questions waiting to spill out, and she knew she couldn’t stall the inevitable.

“This is Hazel,” she began quietly. “Me and Simon met her while trying to get back to you.”

“Her number isn’t glowing,” one of the older kids cut her off, eyes narrowing. She followed his gaze to where Hazel’s arm hung limply down.

“Because she’s a train person,” Grace explained. A wave of confusion ran out through the kids, and she sighed. “A null.”

“Are we going to wheel her?” Lucy asked, clearly uncomfortable. Grace felt her grip on Hazel tighten involuntarily, shaking her head.

“No!” she said quickly, louder than she intended. Lucy flinched back, and in her arms Grace felt Hazel stirring again. “No, nobody is getting wheeled ever again,” she continued, her voice quiet but firm. “I was wrong; _we_ were wrong; nulls have feelings just like us.”

There was a moment of silence. She watched as a mix of confusion and guilt spread throughout the Apex kids, many of them shuffling uncomfortably; the revelation that they had been hurting people was no doubt painful. The older boy who had spoken before pushed his way to the front, frowning. He stuck his arm out at her, fingers splaying to show the number ‘504’ glowing bright green on his palm.

“If we’re not supposed to hurt them,” he demanded, “if they really are people, then why do our numbers go up when we do? Or were you wrong about that too?” There was something in his tone that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up on end; something that reminded her too much of Simon.

“Yes, I was wrong,” she admitted with a sigh. There were more hushed whispers. “I mean, numbers are meant to go down. When your number reaches zero you get to go home."

"How do you know that?" he demanded. She sighed, knowing there was only one thing she could say.

"I met the True Conductor," she explained. The kids gasped and jumped in surprise, eyes going wide. "Or, the person we thought was the True Conductor, and she told me the truth. You’re all here for different reasons, that’s why you all had different numbers when you showed up. I shouldn’t…” she trailed off, not quite sure how to explain it. “There isn’t a right way to understand yourselves, and it wasn’t fair of me to try and tell you otherwise.” She looked down, her gaze falling on Hazel’s tangled hair.

“Is that where Simon went?” One of the kids, Todd, asked gingerly. “Did his number go down?” If the situation hadn’t been so bad, Grace would have laughed. Instead she just shook her head sadly, the image of him proudly announcing Tuba’s death shooting to the front of her mind.

“No, he’s still on the train,” she admitted. “I had to leave him behind,” she felt the faint stinging of tears, brought on at the memory, “because he refused to accept the truth; he wanted to wheel Hazel.”

”There was another null-” she went on, only to cut herself off; the word felt bitter on her tongue, “train person, who helped us; her name was Tuba. She was like Hazel’s mom, and she trusted us, and Simon,” she paused, taking a deep breath, “he killed her anyway.”

She reached up, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. A glance up showed the kids talking amongst themselves, a mix of emotions rippling throughout the small group. The older boy, the one who had challenged her, stood back with his arms folded. But he didn’t say anything else; instead, it was Lucy who broke the silence.

“Does this mean we can’t be the Apex anymore?” she asked gingerly.

“I don’t know,” Grace admitted, “but we’ll figure it out together.”

* * *

The feeling of someone shaking her, small hands grabbing at her arm, pulled Grace from her sleep. She sat up slowly in her hammock, only to freeze at the lack of familiar weight on her chest; she had definitely still been holding Hazel when she went to bed, knowing the girl would still need her when she woke up. If she wasn’t here then something was very wrong.

It was nearly pitch dark, all the lights in the mall long turned off. Grace looked down, feeling worry surge through her. The person shaking her awake wasn’t Hazel, however; instead Lucy’s one eye stared back at her, shimmering in the darkness. The moment she saw Grace was up she withdrew her arm, hands clasping nervously in front of her.

“Lucy?” Grace asked quietly, trying not to sound as panicked as she felt. “What’s going on?”

“It’s Hazel,” Lucy whispered, glancing over towards the escalators. Grace followed her gaze; sure enough, Hazel was sitting at the top end of one, turned away from where Grace’s hammock was strung. She had her arms around herself tightly, shivering, and Grace felt her heart break as she recognised scales on the girl’s skin.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Lucy quickly half-whispered, “but then I saw her sitting there, and I got worried. What’s happening to her?”

“She gets like that when she’s upset,” Grace explained softly, swinging out of the hammock, “or scared.”

“Oh no.”

“I’ll go talk to her.” Her legs were already moving, carrying her across the concourse even as worry made her guts squirm. Hazel didn’t seem to notice her approach, still shivering quietly, until she announced her presence. “Hazel?”

The girl jumped, sniffing loudly and spinning to face Grace. Her eyes were wet with tears, glistening in the near-darkness, and Grace felt her heart break all over again at the sight. It reminded her all too much of before, in the car with the chasm where she had left Simon, of how broken Hazel had looked at the thought she hated her.

“Grace?” Hazel asked quietly, voice cracking. Grace knelt down, opening her arms and pulling Hazel into a tight embrace. The girl just broke, sobbing quietly into Grace’s shirt. Gently the woman shifted into a sitting position, keeping her arms firmly around Hazel as she pulled her onto her lap.

“It’s okay, Hazel, it’s okay,” she repeated softly. “I’m here, I’ve got you.”

“I just- I saw-” Hazel struggled to get the words out between sobs. “I had a bad dream! B-but you were still asleep, and I didn’t want to wake you, a-and…”

“Shhh,” Grace soothed. She looked down, meeting Hazel’s gaze, hoping desperately that the girl saw reassurance in her eyes. “You don’t need to worry about what I’m doing; I’ll always be there if you need me. I promised, remember?” She felt Hazel hug her back, arms wrapping tightly around her middle.

“Until I’m not afraid anymore,” Hazel repeated softly, scales fading from her skin. She sniffled, looking down.

“Do you want to talk about your dream?” Grace offered. For a moment Hazel hesitated, before nodding slowly.

“Promise you won’t be upset?” That gave Grace pause; why would Hazel think she’d be upset over a nightmare? She tried to hide the spike of concern in her gut, keeping a reassuring smile on her face.

“Promise.”

“We were back in the car with Amelia,” Hazel sniffed, “and Simon, and y-you yelled at me again. Amelia wanted to take me away, and I let her, cause I thought you were mad at me all over again.” She became more choked up with each word, her hug turning into a vice-grip on Grace. “I didn’t want to go; I knew you didn’t really hate me, but I did.”

“Oh, Hazel,” Grace said softly. She felt tears forming in her own eyes, a now-familiar feeling of self-hatred settling somewhere in the back of her mind. She opened her mouth to speak, but the girl cut her off.

“And then I saw you and Simon fighting,” she cried. “I don’t know why. We were on a bridge, between the cars and he, he, he pushed you under the wheels like he did to Tuba!” She erupted into another round of sobs. Grace tightened her embrace, gently rubbing Hazel’s back as she let it all out.

“I’m sorry, Hazel,” she said quietly, trying not to sound choked-up. “What I said to you that night, when I called you a null, that will never be okay.”

“I know why you did it,” Hazel sniffed. “You were afraid too.”

“But that doesn’t make it right,” Grace said firmly. “It’s okay that you’re still upset by it, and I mean that. All I want you to know is that I’ll never, ever do anything like that again.”

“I know.”

“And Simon isn’t here,” she continued. “He can’t find us here, not without the tracker. We’re always going to be safe here, okay?”

“Mhmm.” Hazel nodded. She looked up again, a sort of quiet hope on her face, her vice grip releasing. “Thanks, Grace.”

Grace released her embrace and Hazel stood up gingerly, dusting herself down with her hands; the woman followed.

Suddenly Hazel sucked in a breath, panic flashing across her face. She was looking past Grace; a glance showed Lucy was standing just behind them, hands clasped awkwardly in front of her, frozen like a deer in the headlights. Her one eye was wide open, something close to guilt shining in it.

“Hey, hey,” Grace soothed quickly, reaching out to put one hand on Hazel’s shoulder, “it’s okay. This is Lucy; remember I told you about the Apex, back when we left the others? She’s one of them.” Hazel swallowed, meeting the other girl’s gaze.

“Do you know about me?” she asked hesitantly, half-hiding behind Grace. “About what I am?”

“Yeah,” Lucy replied, “you’re a nu-” a look from Grace cut her off. “A train person,” she corrected herself. “But that’s okay. We’re not going to hurt you; Grace told me you’re just like us.”

Grace felt Hazel relax, breathing a quiet sigh of relief. She didn’t move from her spot, still too nervous to step into the open, but she was no longer frozen in fear.

Grace slowly turned around, shifting so she didn’t have to look over her shoulder to talk to Lucy. For a moment nobody said anything, before a thought rose up from somewhere in the back of Grace’s mind.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” she asked Lucy.

“Huh?”

“You said you wanted to talk,” Grace explained, “before you saw Hazel. You came to find me.”

“Oh, right.” Lucy’s gaze dropped. She shuffled uncomfortably, wringing her hands. Whatever she had wanted to say seemed stuck in her throat, unwilling to come out now that she had the opportunity. Grace went to say something, reassurances ready in her mind, but a small voice cut her off before she could.

“You can tell Grace, whatever it is,” Hazel said quietly, but with the kind of conviction only a small child could have. “She’s really good at listening to problems.” Grace couldn’t help smiling at that, feeling a warmth in her gut smother some of the worry. Lucy swallowed, refusing to look up.

“I don’t want my number to go down!” she blurted out suddenly, making Hazel flinch.

“Huh?” Grace couldn’t stop herself asking.

“I don’t wanna go home,” Lucy admitted quietly, her face flushed. “Please don’t make me go back, Grace!”

“Don’t you want to see your family again?” Grace asked.

“Nuhuh.” Lucy shook her head. She sniffed loudly; Grace couldn’t help stepping forwards, a new, uncomfortable feeling settling in her gut. Whatever warmth Hazel’s words had given her was snuffed out, replaced with fresh concerns.

She couldn’t help being reminded of her own family, and how she had ended up being taken aboard; was Lucy in a similar situation? Then again, leading the Apex had taught her kids tended to exaggerate, so she couldn’t be sure. Maybe Lucy’s parents had just been strict, or busy?

“I’m sure your parents care about you,” she said without thinking; she regretted the words the moment they left her mouth.

“They don’t!” Lucy shouted. Hazel flinched again. “You can’t say they do because you don’t know. You don’t know what they’re like!” She couldn’t keep from crying any longer, tears starting to run down her face. Grace knelt down and opened her arms, offering her the same comfort she had given Hazel, and Lucy just slumped into her embrace.

“Oh Lucy,” she said gently, running one hand through the girl’s messy hair. She felt that icy feeling in her stomach grow, suddenly afraid of her own conclusions. “Your parents didn’t hurt you, did they?”

She hoped against hope the answer was no. But Lucy just gave her a vague murmur, slowly and sadly nodding her head. For a moment Grace didn't know what to say; all of her newfound knowledge of how numbers worked suddenly felt empty. Did the train not account for situations like this?

Of course it didn’t, she realised, the realisation settling like a knife in her stomach. The train was perfectly content to send Lucy back home without so much as a thought, just like it would have done for her; it didn't care about external factors.

“That’s not right!” Hazel suddenly broke the silence. “Tuba didn’t hurt me, and Grace wouldn’t either! Your family shouldn’t ever hurt you, never ever!”

“Shhh,” Grace said quietly, looking over at her. “You’re right; it’s wrong, but sometimes parents just don’t care about their kids.” A look of disbelief settled on Hazel’s small face, the thought too distressing for her to even consider.

“Mine only rarely got physical,” Grace continued, seeing Lucy suck in a breath in surprise and Hazel shiver, “but they never cared. So I know how it feels." She paused, gently stroking Lucy's hair. “When I said it was up to you to understand yourself, I meant it; if you decide staying here with me is what you want to do, then you can. I would never make you go back to a home like that.”

“But what about my number?” Lucy sniffled. She slowly held up her arm, where ‘162’ was emblazoned on her palm; that was definitely higher than it had been earlier, Grace thought to herself. “I don’t ever want to go back, but if it hits zero I have to!” Suddenly the last digit became a blur, shifting up until the whole thing read ‘166’.

“It went up,” Hazel said quietly, eyes wide. Grace blinked, trying to figure out what was going on. An obvious answer settled, right at the forefront of her mind.

“Your number goes up whenever you don’t do what the train wants,” she said slowly, “and the train wants you to go home. So if you don’t want to…”

“It can’t force me?” Lucy finished, uncertain hope in her voice.

“I guess so,” Grace replied, forcing herself to sound more sure than she was.

She desperately hoped that was how it worked; the idea of anyone having to go back to parents even half as bad as hers had been made her stomach turn. “So, you’re not going anywhere,” she said, reaching out with one arm to offer Hazel a place in the embrace. “And neither am I.”

Hazel took the offer, leaning against her. Grace pulled both girls in, feeling a new determination fill her. Maybe that was what the new Apex would be, a place for the vulnerable children the train picked up, those with abusive or absent families. She couldn’t help smiling a little at the thought, despite how awful the circumstances were behind it.

“Now,” she said quietly, feeling the last embers of her concern fade, “why don’t we get some sleep?”

“Mhmm,” Hazel replied with a murmur.

“Grace?” Lucy asked quietly; looking down, Grace could see her face was flushed. “Can, uh, can I sleep with you and Hazel tonight?”

“I don’t mind,” Grace said cautiously, looking down at Hazel to try and gauge the girl’s reaction. For a moment she was sure Hazel would say no, but she just gave a small, determined smile.

“Of course,” she said firmly, “then none of us will be afraid.” Grace couldn’t help smiling at that.

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to [wallywestfest on tumblr](https://wallywestfest.tumblr.com/) for creating some amazing art for this fic!!


End file.
